Lon Lon Commercial
by Graq the Wild Child
Summary: Link tries to promote his favorite beverage.


"Lon Lon commercial, take one. Action!"   
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a quick swig, I reach for a bottle of…"   
  
The glass shattered in the elf's hand.  
  
"Cut! What the hell was that Link?"  
  
"I don't know. I wasn't squeezin' it or anything… Must have been cheap glass."   
  
Link thought of the ghost shop dealer had gotten it from. Surely ten ghosts were worth something sturdier than that piece of junk. He took out another bottle, this one from the beaver brothers of Termina Bay. They seemed a more trustworthy lot.   
  
"Take two, action!"  
  
"A hero gets thir…"   
  
"Cluck cluck cluck…"  
  
"Cut! Mr. Talon, you're supposed to be keeping those birds under control!"  
  
"Zzz… what? Uh-oh, she musta found new hole in the pen or something… C'mere little Cuckoo."   
  
"You know I've got a date later tonight…"  
  
"Okay okay, can we please just get this show on the road?"   
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Take three, action!"  
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a…"  
  
"Cut."  
  
"'Cut'?! But nothing went wrong!"  
  
"Well, it's just I've been thinking. Maybe the whole thing would look better if we shot it in the barn."   
  
So they moved the videograph inside, where Ingo the stable hand had to be shooed out. Link took the bottle out again.   
  
"Take four, action!"  
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a quick swig,"   
  
"Fairy boy!"   
  
"Ahh!"  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
"Malon, daughter of Talon."   
  
The hero slowly stepped away from the beautiful but scary milk maid. The director considered her for a moment.  
  
"Hmm, you know, this could work. You go back there and pretend to be milking one of those cows, and hand the bottle to him when he says 'I reach'."  
  
"Oh I don't have to pretend. I was just coming in here to milk them now."  
  
"Just use the milk that's already in there. Ready? Take five, action!"   
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a quick swig, I reach for a bottle of…"  
  
"This isn't milk!"  
  
Link face faulted.  
  
"Cut! Lady, of course it's not real milk. You know how nasty that stuff looks under stage lights? It's glue."  
  
Malon gasped in horror.   
  
"You're making him drink glue?!"  
  
"I don't drink it. It just drains into this compartment here, see?"  
  
"But that's so mean and deceitful… we can't show people fake milking and fake drinking."  
  
"Look sweetie, it's called artistic license. Now do you wanna sell your milk or don't you?!?"   
  
"Only if you stop lying and show the real thing."  
  
"All right all right! We'll do it your way. Actors… Take six, action!"  
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a quick swig, I reach for a bottle of Lon Lon Milk!"  
  
He gulped it down. Two gulps in he began to gag.  
  
"Mmglph! Wyt dy eil vez deit?! Mmlyn!"  
  
He quickly spat into the next stall over, with his teeth stuck slightly together.   
  
"Didn' you ged rid of de glue?"  
  
"Well I thought so… guess not quite! Hahaha…"  
  
"Dis isn' funny!"  
  
"Cluck cluck cluck!!!"  
  
He kicked the stray Cuckoo out the window of the barn.  
  
"No one asked you!"   
  
After about a half hour of rinsing the elf's mouth was clean again. Malon had offered to lend her assistance, but Link knew how Zelda would feel about that kind of help.   
  
"Take seven… action."  
  
"… a bottle of Lon Lon Milk!"   
  
Just as he was at the most appealing moment of his drinking pose, a flock of enraged Cuckoos burst in.   
  
"Ahh! Save the camera, save the camera!"   
  
Feathers and bird droppings flew. The impromptu set was ruined. Link protected his face and Malon with his shield. Later the camera and crew were set up in the cow silo in a change of clothes.   
  
"Wow Link, with that red Goron Tunic on you can't see the blood stains from the Cuckoo pecks at all!"  
  
"Yeah, it's… great."   
  
"I'm sorry about your shield though. I promise I'll wash off the crap when this is all over. But those dents…"  
  
"I know, I know…"   
  
The mutilated Mirror Shield probably wouldn't be reflecting much for a while.   
  
"Take eight. Action."   
  
"A hero gets peacy keeping the thirst in Hyrule."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Cut! What the hell was that Link? Focus! Take nine, action!"  
  
"A Hyrule gets keepy thirsting the hero in peace."  
  
"Moooo!"   
  
"Cut! Take ten, action!"  
  
"A peace heroes getty Hyruling the thirst in keep."  
  
"Cut! That didn't even make sense. Are you stoned or what?"  
  
"Stoned? Look, I've had nothing to eat but fresh mushrooms for three days and I… oh. There was that weird one my friend the plumber gave me for dinner last night. Well, maybe a little stoned."   
  
"Oh dear, how embarrassing."   
  
"Malon, could you smack him around a little? That can help sometimes."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
"Ah! Oowoowoowowoowowoowow…"  
  
"There, I think he's decent now."  
  
"Okay, take, what is this, eleven? Take eleven, action."  
  
"A hero gets thirsty keeping the peace in Hyrule. So when I need a,"  
  
"Cluck cluck cluck!"  
  
"AHHH!!!"  
The group had come full circle, back to the original outdoor spot.   
  
"I'm sorry about your other shield Link."  
  
::sob sob sob::  
  
"I really didn't know Cuckoos could peck through Hylian Iron…"  
  
"My shield… my beautiful shield…"   
  
"If it makes you feel better, I can send another cow to your house for you."  
  
"NO! Anything but that!"  
  
"Could we please get this over with? I'm running out of film!"  
  
"Farore just let me die…"   
  
"Take thirteen, action!"  
  
"A hero gets…"  
  
"Caw! Caw!"  
  
A flock of birds flew in front of the elven hero.  
  
"Oh great, first Cuckoos, now Ravens? What the fudge is wrong with these birds? Aren't they scared of people?"  
  
"It could be the feeders I keep out for them…"  
  
Fifteen takes later….  
  
"Dammit, Link did you shoot all the Ravens? All of them?"  
  
"Are you sure that was necessary? They're so cute…"  
  
"Yep, that's all of them. I'm all out of arrows now though."  
  
"Well, we've only got enough film for one more take guys. Take twenty nine, action!"   
  
"… … … Aw fuck it, the Lon Lon's are the only ones with any cows in this fucking country anyway, so just drink the fucking milk."   
  
"!!!"  
  
"… okay, we air it tomorrow!" 


End file.
